Before I begin, let’s look at some different scenarios to build up some life-applicable context.
Scenario 1: You’re sitting next to your best friend, playing your favorite video game. Your friend loses the match. He raises his fist, and slams it down on the arm of the couch, and raises his voice to indicate how upset he is.
Is your friend being overly aggressive?
Scenario 2: A child, to defy her parent, decides not to pick up the Legos, which are spread all over her floor. As the parent, you know (from painful experience) that stepping on one of those suckers hurts–a lot!
So, you tell your child that they’re making a stupid decision to leave the Legos on the floor, and that they need to clean them up right away.
Are you being rude?
Scenario 3: You’re at a fancy restaurant, and you see a married couple sitting at a table across the room. They’re holding hands, staring at each other in the eyes, and kissing often.
Are they exhibiting too much public display of affection?
Your answers to these questions will completely depend on your tolerance for expressivity.
If you have a high tolerance for expressivity, you probably weren’t personally bothered by any of these scenarios.
However, if you have a low tolerance for expressivity (like me, and most of Japan), all three of these situations may have made you feel uncomfortable!
To explain why, let’s take a quick step back, and start again, from the beginning.
Human Emotion
There’s a great saying, coined by renowned child psychologist Haim Ginott:
“Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel.”
At our deepest of hearts, all humans feel the same range of emotions:
- Anger
- Sadness
- Joy
- Envy
- Fear
- Love
- Frustration
- Excitement
We ALL feel these emotions, but how we show them on the outside is different.
Methods of venting are very different, but the feeling of anger we are feeling inside us is exactly the same.
Another example is excitement. When we watch new movies together, my husband is quick to give his reactions to really good plot points, scenes, or lines. On the other hand, I remain as quiet and solemn as a stone, until the movie is completely over, when I feel I can give a complete and concise verdict.
The problem is, when I don’t comment throughout the movie, my husband often worries that I am not enjoying it, or that I may not like the movie–because I am not showing any emotion on the surface.
But in reality, I am feeling all the emotions too, just like he is.
Chances are, you’ve had some experiences such as these, where you and another person were on the same page as far as what emotions you were feeling, but didn’t know it because the ways you expressed them (if you expressed them outwardly at all) were different.
But just because they are different, does not mean that either way is wrong. In a previous blog post, I talked about responding to different cultural paradigms.
Well, the way we express ourselves in public is just one more cultural paradigm to overcome.
A good reminder:
- Don’t assume.
- Always ask for clarification.
- Trust that others mean well.
Comment Below!
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
- Have you ever had any misunderstandings because one of you was more expressive than the other?
- How would you address this in a classroom?
- Is one of these a better alternative to the other?
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Onward! Japanward! 
At the end of a great episode of his favourite show, regardless of the excitement of the cliff-hanger, my father would always make the same “hmm” sound as if saying “well, that’s that then” my brother and I would be jabbering about what we predict would happen and “wow I totally didn’t see that coming”. Reading your blog reminded me of this little memory so thank you for that. I love how you have presented your information, I have learnt a lot from your blog posts!!
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Isn’t interesting how all of us feel the same but express those emotions in so many different ways depending on the area, cultural norms, and personal comfort levels of expression. Really excellent post as always!!
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